Fear and self-loathing in the entrepreneurial trenches

by | Feb 5, 2009

From a post to my mastermind buddies this morning, slightly edited for family audiences.

I am a bit blue and harried today. Two customers are being a pain. (Take that, inner censor. I’m modeling authenticity not spiritual correctness just this minute.) My wrist hurts; my fingers are numb; and I have almost no range of motion. I’m wondering if I should bother with physical therapy or if I should just go back to my doc and say “cut me open.”
On the surface I am two parts flow and two parts chaos. Under the surface, I am two parts chaos in two parts flow. I suppose that’s balance of a sort, and being a Libra, maybe it’s my right and proper state. I notice the temptation to self-loathing and criticism, anxiety and fear. I was about to write that it takes a lot of energy to manage/resist same. Then, duh! it hits me: managing and resisting never have worked for me. Hello!

When I wrote that I had no intention of going public with it. But then, it struck me that going public was exactly what I needed to do. For one thing, I hate it when either of us (that would be you, dear reader, or me) put me on a pedestal. I’m afraid of heights. Always have been.
For another thing, it was only a couple of weeks ago that I wrote in The Split in the Soul of the Accidental Entrepreneur:

It’s Not About Being Good, It’s about Being Real
The world does not need more fear or anger. There is plenty of resentment to go around. And, paradoxically, when we repress or reject or avoid our own fear, anger, and resentment, the world suffers as much as we do ourselves.
The great work is not about overcoming darkness. Darkness and light will not be separated. Our great work in our businesses and personal lives is to tend to what lives in the darkness so that, when it comes to light, it comes as a sprout breaking through the earth where it will bear fruit.

Yes, I’m looking forward to the moment when the oneness and perfection of all things just as they are is as real to me as my own heartbeat. I love that. And, for now, I’m going to put my head in the demons mouth.